After a Sabbath

After a Vacay

This one 3 months

(Totally worth it by the way)

I found myself staring at my fb (messenger too) while thinking about my jetpack (new name for the WordPress app)

Thinking,

I should write an article

I should publish one

For I have written a few

I should research more on the topics that i wrote down

I should?

I hate shoulds!

My inability to stick to a routine, may not just be a fault of my upbringing

Taking one of those courses geared to help those with ADHD

Because not being able to stick to a routine, is a symptom of ADHD

Other things i associated with some type of Anxiety Disorder

Are possibly stemming from ADHD? 😲

I think of all the people nowadays who have anxiety severe enough to interfere with their…

With what people consider to be ‘normal’ lives

Like interactions with people-Social Anxiety

Which I never had, in the way most people consider it (even in the way i thought it too)

The ADHD course I am taking keeps asking me if I think excessively about my interactions with others later

After the social event

After any kind of exchange with another person, i did!

I use to!

For years!

It would plague me, drain me

Of energy, keep me up all night

When did it stop?

I cannot recall

Yet i know reliance on the Holy Spirit, on Yesuah…

I don’t have to WORRY about such things anymore!

Upon reflection, I realize that this discovery of symptoms of ADHD that i was unaware of

Is Elohim answering a long time burning question of mine!

WHY?!

Tearing my hair out in exasperation kind of why!

Why am i unable to stick to any kind of routine! No matter WHAT i do? No matter how easy i make it?!

For the lack of routine is ruining my life!

I remember reading the Bible everyday! (Sure a day or 3 skipped in an entire year, is still daily devils)

I use to do it without fail

My 3rd time thru? Is failing worse than the other two combined!

The ADHD course has mentioned that a cause, a reason for the inability to stick to a routine

Is because i am bored?

I am reading the Bible more now doing the Randomizer thing (randomized pick of a chapter (ty! To whomever invented such! 💋)

I am bored?

I don’t find it interesting?

That doesn’t explain my inability to stick to a routine of things i enjoy!

Like Arts & Crafts

Writing

The unfun parts of writing

Namely the routine of it (the rote)

I hate rote!

Yet i say Psalm 23 (? Is it) over and over

The difference is in how it makes me feel!

Sometimes it is rote

Somewhere in there i start feeling every single word!

It is no longer rote then

I can say Thank You to Elohim, many times, back to back

Yet each and every one overflowing with gratitude?🥹

With memories?

Of Him saving me?

Answering me?

Cause He heard me?

Touched i am.

Deeply touched by Him answering something i was literally beating myself with (His mercy, His love is showing me that i can stop blaming myself, i can stop punishing myself for not complying…)

For He is showing me how it truly ISN’T my fault

A reminder that He can, He will fix it!

This is why i could never have the arrogance to believe that i could tell the Lord what i want Him to fix?!

In me? Around me

Whatever the Lord deemed to do or not do

I could not even begin to ask!

Just to be in His Presence

To be seen, acknowledged by Yesuah?

I am floored

What to say? Leaves my mind!

I know the privilege to be able to sense Him (is to see Him… it goes from feeling Him, to…being able to recognize that feeling (Him)

Instantly, so we call it ‘sight’

I see His face

Because I didn’t understand it, when others said it

I was frantically searching for His Face

Just like i was frantically trying to get (beat) the answers out of myself about my inability to stick to a routine

I have also discovered that my diarrhea of the mouth is also a part of ADHD

The interrupting

These last 2 i associated with NLVD

With Christ though

Since i have been with Him

The incoordination part of the NVLD, has disappeared!

A main component of connection with the others who have been tested for NVLD

ADHD? I am skimming that one even lighter, symptom wise than NVLD

Both I believe stem from neurological issues.

Metabolic issues- cause imbalances

More and more are speaking up on solving metabolic issues

Us/me running across such things?

Seeing such? Believing such?

Is Elohim making crooked paths straight

There is no way i can diagnose myself

He made me

He knows! Better than i!

He is the Potter

And i aim to be the most subtlest of clays!

The most pliable!

Softest, ease of direction , of shaping

Of transforming

Like the Princess Bride

As thou wish

Princess Bride

Whatever He wants

I am willing! Extremely eager!

Like i can ride a motorcycle! (The best passenger ever!)

I enjoy dancing with Thee! Elohim! 😊😘😍🤩

The God of Abraham, Hannah and Isaac.

Is there a way to incorporate this into a routine?

Somehow?

You are the God of Order

I abhor being so chaotic!

I seriously am hating this!

Hating this part of myself!?

Is it me?

Or is it one of the demonic spirits so close to…

Me, i think it is me?

I am learning me, is the one who desires to obey

He shows me, that is who i am.

I despair of the parts that do not

Yet when one starts unraveling the abuse (neglect is abuse too)

At such a young age

Suppressed memories

Trained from birth

By people who were not obedient to Elohim

Even if one had very loving Parents

They too have scars

As Elohim slowly transforms us (sometimes it seems fast, yet, it is something we ‘see’ later, in Yesuah’s holy name )

(This too is what i love about Sabbaths! The spiritual benefits? Are always off the chain!)

Unwinds us, untwists us, smooths us out (kneads us!)

Uncomplicates us

Puts more of His Essence, His Energy, into us.

The more we see anything not like Him in ourselves!

Around us, is us, is me…

The block changes, because we are changed

It is impossible for our surroundings, our environment, to not change

When we have

The more we learn to wait

The more we can say to another

Beating up on themselves or searching frantically

Hey! This is what I discovered!

Pausing them in their self flagellation (when we are cruel to others, that person is even more unmerciful to themselves)

Those who are ready anyway

Utter arrogance to believe that one can punish one’s self properly

It is impossible

We are not wired this way

It is a fool, who believes so.

Plus, i am only doing, continuing the unmerciful, unloving behavior on myself

That others have done to me.

Unjust

Condemning myself

The Lord offering ADHD as a possibility?

Helps get my mind (and spirit) more inline with how He Sees Me.

As a very pliant, special, lovable, valued, enjoyable, enthusiastic, clay

For we are earth, eh? (Macrocosm is the microcosm, is the macro…)9:26a 4/20/24