And i am not quite sure how i feel about that

When it first started (first 2 weeks) it felt AMAZING!

Riding on the euphoria, one gets, when we obey Yesuah and we are not impeding His Joy (happiness) at that

A month in, i am chaffing, itching to get out

Forgot a couple of times (posted on ArmJdhy fb)

Thankful for the reminders

Started to feel bad too

2-3 months in

Am i doing Sabbath just by abstaining from posting?

Do i need to think more about Yesuah in the process?

How does one…?

How do i do that exactly?

And i noticed

I enjoy my Art

Yet i don’t do it?

Why?

Some miracles happened, the favor of the Lord was felt!

And oh!

Greenlight for leaving DC has come thru!

Where? Was a problem for over 2 weeks

How? Much more of a problem than…

Is, will be…

Getting out safely

He keeps reassuring me that He will.

That even if i move in with him

He, Elohim, Yesuah, will get me out.

To not be a drug addict when this is over

The recovery from this…

I keep ‘hearing’ that…

Everything i have been thru

Has been ‘seen’

Has been heard

A break is more than due

Yet i am still in it

Yet i am getting help!

Elohim designed actions are happening!

When it has been so long!

Too much evil

So much

I feel/felt like Job

Seriously

One miracle is

Having my eyes opened

To the sexual abuse my …

Mom

Has done

To my brother

My son

Participating in it now

With my sister…

The horror of me recommending

They live together!

And even knowing what i know now (what the Holy Spirit has shown me)

It was still right?

It would…their lives would’ve been worse without Mom in it?

My Sister and her children?

What have i done? 😨😱

My son? I didn’t know!

It makes sense now

His refusal to talk to her

And i thought it was me!

She would blame me for how my son turned out!

Me being blind!

God!? What did she do! To me?!

That i don’t remember? I don’t recall?

She knew…

He knew

My Sister and Brother’s (by my mom) Father

The Stepdad

The first one, knew!

So i have been struggling with rage, murderous rage

Stopping myself from thinking about it

From going back there

The devil…

The devoid would win then

Consumed by rage

NYC makes more sense now (DC)

For in NYC i experienced rage, higher than even this!

Rage i didn’t know could be felt and still live!

Where would i be if i didn’t feel that first?

DC’s connections (everyone here is incestuous, and Chocolate=Feces, too many here love feces and subsequent bad smells)

All this? Is one huge trigger, to my subconscious

As i made the connections here

They were also made there

In my past

And i am numb

Struggling with bitterness and depression (repressed memories, felt…not seen)

For there is a reason she hates me

My mother

Rejects me

Said i wasn’t hers

Just once

Yet, she has been acting this way all my life.

To ‘see’ without judgement (feel- maybe)

When i am afraid

Deathly afraid, to see what she did, to me…obviously

Another miracle is:

Got 2 teeth pulled for the price of one

Gotta go back tomorrow tho

For the stitches were not done right

Tooth pulled? #19 & 18

19 being the focal

Pulled by someone made to by Elohim? (Allah in the Dentists’ case)

Interesting 🤔

Greenlights

Where so much red use to be