The Lord has been protecting me

As a human husband covers us

Because Mfer came back to my door 3 times yesterday?

One to say he had seen my friend and she mentioned me

I asked why? She blocked me

He, the Mfer, mentioned he is leaving soon & he owes me something …a date

I told him if he wanted a date with me i would accept.

Then he asks me to come watch a movie with him, during one of these trips to my door

And i go

Because I enjoy his company

At least i did

My friend had also called me yesterday

On a different number

Saying he asked me to tell you to call him

Because he has something you left

I told her that he said she asked about me

I also told her that he knows where i live

That I didn’t know he was coming after you before me

She said no

I said he does things like that tho

Like comes and talk to me to mess with the lady down the hall from me

Does She know he is fucking her friends too?

When my friend denied him coming after her before me

I said,

Then why did you block me then?

Because I have a new number

🙄😏 Yeah right …

Does any of that sound or feel right to you?

No sex between us last night

I know he was expecting me to spend the night too

This morning he comes by

All happy

Which I distrust

Asks me if I want to go to Central Park

Red Flag

Why?

Because it’s my friend’s spot early in the morning

What time? He asks me!

Another flag

I had no idea, he says, “11, 12?”

So 11?

Aah, 11, 12? He repeats in a rush

Whenever you wake up he says

I set my alarm for 11:30a to remind me

Check the bag he gave me with cereal and milk, for me in it.

Regular milk

And two of them?

He did not get this for me

Because he knows I drink Vegan milks only

I go downstairs to sign in shortly after his visit

I was starting to feel tired yesterday( those meat sticks from Whole Foods, contaminated with gluten? (In my Gf/DF group, it may be glyosphate we are reacting to, not gluten.)

I had the urge to knock on his door

To see if he was there/to tell him i am not going

Everyone downstairs (except Urban Pathway) was being avoidant, quiet and i picked up on a sadness

For me, pity.

A lot of avoidance

I felt the urge to check for her sign out

4th floor i forget the room

I push that urge away and the one to go to his room came again as i went upstairs

I kept going to my room

And I removed the alarm i set for our rendezvous

He wanted me to meet him downstairs?

That was another red flag I wasn’t going to do

I imagined all possible scenarios

Conclusion?

Not too long ago

Some time after 1pm

He knocks on my door

You ok?

I don’t feel good

You need to go to the doctor? He asks

I shake my head no.

I gesture with a finger for him to come closer

I don’t trust you anymore

I whisper

He looks to the side, “I know.”

Don’t come back here anymore

I know he says

And takes off

I remembered the discussion we had

About a Woman needing to trust a man before she has sex with him (this is for women who are not sex workers, who still have boundaries, etc)

Because I thought i could just enjoy his company

Even flirt

Not have sex with him

Everyone else would think so tho

Still beneficial for us both

But him fucking someone I thought of as a friend?

(Because i saw desire when she gazed upon him

Lip between teeth and swallowing?

Means you lying bitch!

Means

I cannot be used for him to fuck with her

Nor allow him to believe he is fucking with me because he is fucking her!

I don’t want to be associated with that in any way!

So i block her

Thinking about this shit

I remember how silent Elohim was this morning

(I panic when that happens)

Elohim knows I won’t let it lie

I couldn’t relax with Elohim

Before the Mfer even appeared this morning!

And it pissed me off!

The Mfer wasn’t as entertaining either last night

Can’t relax around him no more either

I began thanking Elohim for protecting me

Covering me sexually

During me and Mfer’s divorce

As he put it

Is he gone?

I doubt it

After thanking Elohim for covering me

I felt better!

My mind cleared up!

I wanted to cry with relief

Because I heard Him say

You Don’t Want Me To Speak When I Am Angry

Elohim said?

Cause it is difficult for me to accept Elohim taking care of me sexually

Even tho

That is what a husband does

For all life on this planet

And so typing about it is…

Uncomfortable

Because with His Permission?

Everything is different

A highly controversial subject too

Yet

He is protecting me with it!

Saving me!

Hard for even me to conceptualize!

Yet it keeps happening!

So I don’t fight it like i use too

And He is jealous!

Very jealous!

Elohim is!

I look at respect

Mixed in with disrespect

Easy to pretend respect

Because ya done something evil?

I am beyond asking why

I even go here in the first place

I just silently watch the train wreck develop

My mouth open to say something

Open wide too

To yell, anything

Yet, nothing comes out!

And i close my mouth

And just watch

The crazy

My crazy?

Oh well

I am glad Thou Art With Me (Immanuel)

💋😊🥰💋 Alhumdulillah 2:45p 9/19/22 John 19, Ed NYC