I thought of you when I read this quote from ” – ” Start reading this book for free: https://a.co/2txbkiU
“And though her point had landed, she instantly regretted her choice in words. Because she didn’t mean can’t. She meant won’t. I won’t.
Take What You Can Carry: A Novel” by Gian Sardar
People often ask or wonder why a Woman does things like be at his house after midnight…
(Still not a justification for rape though…) i can see how it happened…
I remember a time when i rode around all night with a dude (& his ‘friend’)…
Liking him, enjoying his company…yet as we neared the place where he was staying that night…
I didn’t want to.
Yet i could imagine what would happen if i didn’t…
In a place i did not know, a city so huge it would take years i hadn’t done, to even begin to know…
Why was i even out there? In the middle of the night?
Running from abuse…
Running from a very attractive, very charismatic, crack addict…
Trying to leave him and NOT return…
I decided to use this moment
To prevent that from happening…
And it was horrible…
The sex was horrible…
Tis when Venom (like in Spider Man) slipped into me…
As he paraded me around a group of very young men, drooling at the opportunity?
I took a deep breath, thinking,’Just make it out of here…just make it out of here…”
And i let them know that NONE of them were getting me!
The tension left the room and then i breathed a sigh of relief…
As the motherf*cker smiled…
Tis why i let him know how terrible of a fuck he was, as i grabbed my things and left…
Once i was safely back somewhere i still hadn’t been before, yet would get me home…
Chicago…Westside…
To demonstrate my ignorance, my faith, my naivety, my absolute desperation…
Called Chiraq…
Dear Comedian who loves Chicago…from someone who most likely doesn’t know Iraq either…
Just because you grew up in love with a war zone…doesn’t mean it wasn’t war, that you grew up in…
Knowing a little of the danger, i still snuck out in the middle of the night…
Cause he purposefully trapped me, naked, terrorized me all night…
knowing i couldn’t leave naked…
(Not understanding that if he hit me like his presence, his ranting threatened…?
Never felt somebody so strong…
So unaware of their strength…
Yet he knew he terrorized me for hours…
High off of something?
Taken almost 2 years to get to that point?
Where he made sure i didn’t get near the door in this one room apartment…(Efficiency Apartment)
PTSD…
I guess that study was a trap just for me?
Cause 10 years ago was 2011…
It would include my foray into Chicago…
An unsafe place for a White Person…
For an Oreo…
People getting killed on the North Side now too…
Cause of the Mixed Income Housing experiments…
Dead bodies had Chicago length blocks, sectioned off with Police Cars, barricades & tape?
I have only seen a dead body at a funeral…something My Mother didn’t pay to see…
Just like Chicago…a body devoid of blood, a dark skinned man…
Something we DIDN’T want associated with his memory…
Yet…
How could you not fall in love with Chicago?
Even in the midst of its ‘Food Desert’?
A place that draws you? Despite the gunfire?
This is WHY! She…
Keeping her wrapped up ‘safe’?
While abused at home?
Desperate to break away?
Ends up in Chicago alone?
“Is it possible to truly know someone if you cannot comprehend that which made them who they are?”
Take What You Can Carry: A Novel” by Gian Sardar
It was only flirtation...
until one afternoon he’d whispered in her ear, Olivia with the olive-hued eyes,lower supply closet, three p.m....that directive without promise of anything beyond the day,
She’d felt both elation and insult.
Take What You Can Carry: A Novel” by Gian Sardar
Of course she would not go. She grew indignant and sharpened more than a dozen pencils. But then the clock ticked, and she began to wish she was the kind of person who would do this. Who would take the edge of thrill she felt from flirting with a boss and let it consume her, let it swallow up worry and rationale and become her, even just for an afternoon...always too aware of dangers, those possibilities that somehow only she tended to see, faint, like smudged-out paths in a Choose Your Own Adventure book...with every glance at the clock, she began to feel this person she could be...
This was what a man would do.
Take What You Can Carry: A Novel” by Gian Sardar
This was what so many single women who seized their sexuality and owned it and owned their desires would do. They’d take a man they wanted in a supply closet, then grind out a cigarette with their heel and dominate whatever room they walked into.
(The Power of Sex…)
(The lure of…i wish i could be that free, that strong…)
This is the lure of Chicago..
Freedom, bravery, adventure..
But just like my desire to break free from the violent side, the war of Chicago, the trauma, the PTSD it caused in the Narcissist i fell in love with…
I wondered how i ended up in this nightmare…
Trying so desperately to get out, i did the unthinkable…
For me…
I was so twisted up…
As i hung in mid air,
Strung up by one ankle,
(The things you will do, to live…)
Desperately, unseeingly…
Momentarily…
Thinking, wishing, hoping…
Maybe that is why she walks in, with such an attitude, a harshness..
Because even i said,”She knows, everyone knows, being over at a guy’s house, alone, at 1am means…
Who considers the kind of person who carefully, smoothly arranged such a thing?
Where you felt safe, with this person, that even alone with this person during the ‘sexing’ hour, that he will still respect you , be safe to be around…
Not your first time talking till the sun came up…
The people who you enjoy flirting with…
Enjoy the lightness of it
The thrill of it…
Not understanding how disrespectful, how ugly he will be afterwards?
Even though you’ve weighed the Pros & Cons of society’s reaction, your family even..
It is STILL a fight! That the magnitude of is only truly felt, once done.
Like pregnant at 17…
(You THINK you’re mature, that you can handle it…& maybe you actually are…
Doing it, without support of any kind? Is something no amount of $ can prepare you for…
THAT is a Chicago Man, Narcissism at its finest, for this is the heart of the United States, after all…
Yet…it made me who i am today…
My lowest, darkest moment…
And the place where i met Yesuah..
Where he took all of that and swept it away…
He is with me in my PTSD…
My mood swings…
My insanity, my rage…
I can feel the depths? Of my rage, because of Him!
Also freeing…
To be able to watch it, feel it, without it consuming me…(for He is in the furnace with me…)
Without it causing the damage i feared to others…
I better understand you now Red…
The rage of a 60 year old Black Man…
At 51, i see ya…
The extremes of a Meterosexual Liberal or an Ultra conservative Black Man who hates Women?
Blame us all for the harm he received at her hand?
His frustration, his anger at not being able to change anything for the better…
A Man of Solutions, who has none? Except conformity or burn it all to hell and back?
What can i do?
Except pray?
I do what i believe, in extremes too, Black Man…
So many of you aren’t anymore…just barely…
Without Elohim, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, you have become that in which you hate…
We can never unite, without the Redeemer (and that is not Min Farrakhan…he was, marginally, i am talking on a level across humanity) (because Chicago is also the headquarters of the NOI…and i saw very little of you whenever i visited (bus ride thru) the West/South Side of Chicago…timing bad?)
Because He is the only reason the rage of a Black Woman in the US of A…
Hasn’t killed me…in the form of depression it almost did…
Cause it’s not just my rage…
My personal rage…
Not even just from Black People neither…
Nor just the Native Side…
Cause with my lighter skin, i get more of a privilege? To experience it…
Testerone flare ups…
My rage would affect anyone near me right now…
It already has…
That is what PTSD does, correct?
Common symptoms of PTSD
Reliving aspects of what happened
- vivid flashbacks (feeling like the trauma is happening right now)
- intrusive thoughts or images
- nightmares
- intense distress at real or symbolic reminders of the trauma
- physical sensations such as pain, sweating, nausea or trembling.
Alertness or feeling on edge
Avoiding feelings or memories
- feeling like you have to keep busy
- avoiding anything that reminds you of the trauma
- being unable to remember details of what happened
- feeling emotionally numb or cut off from your feelings
- feeling physically numb or detached from your body
- being unable to express affection
- doing things that could be self-destructive or reckless
- using alcohol or drugs to avoid memories.
(It feels good? To pull my belongings closer to me with a White Person around and the look on their face…)
Difficult beliefs or feelings
Unapologetically Black motherf*kers! Unapologetically Black! 😁✊🏿
the sense of never being at peace are exhausting.”
You made us like you, fearful…
We were a people who didn’t let fear stop us…
Yet we never…no one has, experienced the trauma we have FOR AS LONG as we have…til a whole people are unrecognizable to their former selves?
Till we have a Black Captain America?
We do not have the freedom to NOT support the stars and stripes!
To focus on healing, outside of American standards…
It hurts for you to be reduced to Meterosexual and/or Criminal!
There is SO much more that the White Man can NEVER show you! Nor help you be!
Because you take this world on telling me i can only be …
A WhoreBytch…
Difficult to obey someone beneath me, who only sees me this way…
If you are a Metrosexual no matter if undercover or not…
I cannot ‘help’ you wth that!
We are a People of MORE!
If Impossible Greatness!
Not Power, Greed, Lust…
We are a People who can, who have achieved the best of humanity and strive for more!
We are Gods and Goddesses who have stopped believing it.
Who accept the definition of such from those who imprisoned us?
Sapped us of our strength?
Which is our belief, our faith, our will, our determination?
The kind that give you wings, that literally make you fly..
Beyond the physical
This is why there are so many of us alive!
Experiencing the stages of PTSD as a People (take that into your Reparations Study and shove it!)
Why would i voluntarily submit to people who have consistently proven to be untrustworthy?
Why would i NOT trust You, Elohim, Yesuah? The ONLY one who has EVER consistently been helpful to me?
Consistently faithful? Loving, caring?
Not my Mother, not my Father…
THIS is what Slavery has done to me…
Stripped me of everyone, so that i stand alone, like you?
A foreign thing to us…
We know this, somehow…
We seek to cross the devoid made divide…
Yet…He makes a way when there isn’t one…
An impossibility…
Proof of who our Father is…
Condemnation, the law creates hate…
The law creates hate
Bible verse, lost somewhere
(For the popular verses are found easily via search…I have this somewhere, somewhen…May the Lord help me find it again! Soon…) 12/7/21 2:25a
R812 4/17/21 11:03p
6/16/21 8:03p
ArmJdhy 